Im Still Here....

Is it because she tried to kill me? Or is it the simple fact that my own "mother" didn't want me? Why do I constantly have this feeling of not being wanted by anyone... ? This question has boggled my mind for at least the last 10-15 years. You are all prolly wondering...what is she talking about? I'm about to tell you all my story...and for those of you who read it, thanks for listening. Maybe by getting all of this out in the open, I will let go of this horrible feeling that I carry with me everyday of my life; maybe by doing this, I can learn to love myself...

It was June 15, 1984 when my mother spoke the words, "Take her. I never wanted her." She carried me for nine months and still she could not learn to love me. She heard and felt my heart beating so close to hers, and still, no emotion from the one person who was supposed to love me unconditionally. She couldn't even look at me when I was born four days earlier. 

My "mother" was a married women. She already had a 4 year old son, my older brother, who for so long, I referred to as my cousin. When she found out she was pregnant with another child, me, she was devastated. It could have been because she couldn't even be a mother to that four year old little boy; or simply the fact that I was the bastard child of a gardener who she cheated on her husband with. How could someone do something like that? First of all, cheat on their spouse then not take responsibility for their actions? 

For the first three months, she was dead set on having an abortion. I don't know how or when her mother, my grandmother, found out...but when she did she told my "mother" thta is she "threw her baby away" she would disown her. So that was it. My "mother" was stuck with me. Then another idea came in to her twisted mind. Now my grandmother had said she would disown her if she had an abortion, she never mentioned a misscarriage....

For the next few months, my "mother" wouldn't eat in hopes that by not taking care of herself, she would lose me. I believe (but am not to sure) that she even tried falling down the stairs. None of that worked. Somehow I survived. Somehow I made it through those nine months. What could she do now? She was about to have a baby that she didn't want. Hmmm, yet another horrible thought crept into her mind..."I don't want her, but there are people who would love to have a baby...and pay for it." Her two options were to sell me to her sister, who was at the time unable to have babies of her own, and to trade me for a brand new car to some family she barely knew. To this day, I still don't know what she had actually decided on doing...But I understand now that God had a different plan for me...His girl....

He sent someone to my rescue. Now, my "mother's" oldest sister already had 2 boys. But she wanted a girl. She was unable to have anymore kids due to some complications during the birth of her second child causing her to have a hysterectomy at the age of 23. So she came to visit me and my "mother" at the hospital. She simply said to let her have me because she wanted a daughter more than anything. "Take her. I never wanted her" was all that my "mother" could say. 

I was never supposed to know about this. It was all supposed to be a secret and I would grow up thinking my aunt was my mother and my "mother" was my aunt. Imagine how I felt at the age of 6 when I found all this out. At the age of 6. How does a child comprehend such a terrible thing? How do you explain to a child that their parents don't want them? 

Lucky for me though, the person who took me in loves me as if she was the one who carried me for nine months. Even her sons, my BROTHERS, love me to death! They were so excited to have a baby sister... Never once did I hear them refer to me as the baby their mom took in ... as their cousin...as the baby that their aunt did not want... I have always been and will always be their sister....

The feeling of not being wanted will always be there, I think. Even now, at the age of 26, I have found the one who wants to spend the rest of their life with me and I still feel like he will one day get bored with me and want to "trade me in" for something better. I still feel like I don't deserve to have such an amazing person love me...and he is....such an amazing person. I love him with all my heart. But that's a blog for another day...

OK I guess before going into anything I will start off with the basics. My name is Vanessa but just call me Vee. I am 26 years old. I have been married for about a year and a half to not just an amazing man, but my best friend. I have 2 kids, Drew (5) and Alyssa (9m). I was born and raised in Gilroy CA but I currently live in TX thanks to the Air Force.


Ok, let's get into it I guess.....

Today has not been a very good day. A lot of days have been like this for me lately. Something just does not feel right. I woke up today and did not feel a thing. I felt numb. Not angry. Not sad. Not happy. Not anything. I went about my usual morning routine, waking up Drew, getting Alyssa changed and dressed, letting the dog out. And the whole time I just felt like dropping everything and running away. Leave everything behind, but just for a while. I don’t feel like myself right now. I want to scream…but will anyone hear me? I want to run..but will anyone care?

Overall I can say that I AM happy with how my life turned out. Or at least I should be. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful children. We have a home, food, and clothes. All the basics are covered. God has been good to me. They why do I still feel like this? Is this just a feeling that comes along with being a mother and a wife?

I go about my day doing everything for others. Which I don’t mind at all. I love to see the ones I care about satisfied and happy. But for some reason, lately I feel left out. I feel forgotten I should say. I feel “routinely forgotten”.  It just feels like nobody is there to see that I am taken care of. Which is completely selfish and terrible of me. I don’t want to feel that way. I just don’t know how to shake this feeling. I just want to smile and have it be a genuine smile. I want to be me again….I haven’t been praying as much either because of it. At least not for myself. I pray for my kids and for my husband. All day everyday. *sigh* Hopefully things will get better soon. Wait, things are great…hopefully I will get better soon.

~Vee~