So real...it hurts

Wow, it has been awhile since I have updated on here... I finally remembered my password! Anywho...

Have you ever had a dream so real, that it was hard to tell if it was a dream or reality? I love those kinds of dreams because of the realness, but at the same time I hate them for the same reason. Something that you have longed for, something that you have wanted but couldn't have, something that seemed impossible is now a reality even if it is just for a minute is within your reach but gone in a split second.

It has been almost 10 years since we said our final goodbyes to my grandmother. Almost to the day. December 17th. If you have read one of my very first posts, then you will understand that she was someone very very special to me. I like to think that in some small way, she contributed to my being here today. We had an amazing relationship. I told her things I could not tell my mother. When I first started my period I was terrified. My mother had never spoken to me about it so I only knew what I had heard from friends.I of course, scared out of my mind did not want to tell my mother. But my grandmother came to me and said that she noticed I was different, that I was no longer a little girl but a young woman. *laughs* It amazes me to this day some of the things that she knew without being told.

The last time I saw my grandmother, she couldn't speak. She had a tube in her throat. But she just smiled when I was there. I didn't say much, but somehow I knew that she knew what I wanted to say to her....that I didn't want her to go. She just held me in her arms like she always did and I felt that security, comfort, and love.

Six months went by and the day before I was due to leave California to go and see her again (she lived in Arizona) we got word that she had passed. I was sleeping and about 3am, my aunt came in to tell me the news. I just went right back to sleep. I didn't even go the next day. My family left without me. I went to work as usual for the next couple of days as if nothing had happened. My co workers even asked me if it was even true..that someone with a heart would be somewhat sad. My response - " It hasn't hit me yet".

I kept on with the day and when I was alone, most of my family gone and with no real friends by my side, I sat alone and cried. I cried so hard that I thought the tears would never end. My chest felt as if someone had just kicked it in. The walls seemed like they were closing in on me. My world felt like it was crashing down. I still could not believe it. I could not believe that she was gone. My heart refused to accept it.

Through out the years, I have dreamed about her often. I remember one in particular...I was pregnant with Andrew. She was in the hospital bed like I had last seen her. She looked as beautiful as ever. I walked in to the room and walked right to her and fell in her arms crying. She held me so tight like she always had before. When I looked up at her she just smiled and touched my belly and whispered "baby" and then she was gone.

Now, I dream about her all time but it is on occasion when the dreams feel so real. It is like I have to stop and ask myself "is this real or am I dreaming?". That was one of them. Last night was the most recent. I was walking into the hospital while thinking to myself "What am I doing back here again?". In the waiting room I saw my aunts like I had seen them that last summer my grandmother was alive. Sitting around looking like they hadn't slept in days. I waited for what seemed like days. I finally walked back to her room and I saw her there, sitting on the bed as usual. And of course I fell into her arms like I always had. And she wrapped her arms around me so tight, just like she always had. I felt her arms around me, I smelled her perfume, I felt her hair brush against my face. And I just lay there with her. I told her about how my life had turned out. I told her about how big Andrew has grown and how smart he is and how wild and determined and independent Alyssa is. I told her that I was married to an amazing man and that I have finally turned my life over to God. All the while she just looked at me and smiled. She stroked my hair as I talked and talked, just as she had when I was a little girl.

My grandmother rarely ever talks to me in my dreams, but last night she said that she had to go. I told her no that I didn't want her to. I had poured my heart out to her explaining how I needed her here. Everything that I wanted to tell her the last time I saw her but didn't. She just kept on smiling. Our eyes locked and at that moment I knew, just as I had when she was alive, that it was the look that she believed everything was going to be ok. With just one look, she helped my understand. With just one look, we told each other everything. And with that, she was gone...and I woke up.

Now I don't believe that the dead come to visit the living in their dreams. I don't believe that they try and communicate with us in any way shape or form. And that kind of makes it that much more sad. I wish I could have just one more day with her. I just want to fall in her arms like I always had before. I want to feel her arms wrap around me and hold me with that security that made me feel like as long as I was there in her arms, everything was going to be ok. I miss her...